Man, what a difference a week makes! When I wrote that last post I was feeling pretty disconnected and isolated, and I am SO glad to say that I am not in that place anymore. I've been able to connect more with my friends (even beginning to talk about wedding details- eeee!), connected better with my Bev, his parents' visit was awesome, and life is just exciting and connected once again. Spring is in the air!! It's the time of year when the wedding feels within reach. Friendships are fun and exciting once again. And although I'm winding down with my internship, which should be scaring me, I'm actually pretty confident and looking forward to moving on with whatever the next step is.
I am so grateful for people. I have some good ones in my life, that's for sure. I just love the ways that God continues to remind me that 100% of life is relational. And at least 80% of life is up to me- meaning, if I am feeling lonely or disconnected, I need to pick up the phone and call someone. I know I am terrible at this, but I also am learning to take responsibility for relationships in my life. Feeling very blessed, and grateful for some good friends and Bevs who love me despite my funky times.
Headed into class now- although it's interesting stuff, and I love school, I am certainly not looking forward to spending much of May and June's beautiful nights in class, writing research papers, or reading a textbook. Ahhhh..... but the end of things is near:)
Happy warm weather!
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
just too much
Lately I've been feeling like everything is just a bit too much.
Everyone keeps asking me how wedding planning is going. I love Bev with all my heart, and I don't think I am a terrible bride-to-be, but honestly people, I just don't care that much. All we really want is a fun party, and for our closest friends and family to be there. That's really honestly it. Yes, there are some things I have an opinion about, but for the most part, I would be perfectly happy if someone planned all the details for me and just let me know how it's going. Although if planning every detail guaranteed good weather and no stress during that weekend, then I guess I might be more anal about all these wedding plans.
And another thing... A 600-hour internship is a bit excessive. I have one month to go. Don't get me wrong, it's actually turned out to be a pretty good experience; I've learned a lot, built a few good relationships, and even had some fun. But I honestly don't see myself doing anything more in the next 4 weeks that I haven't already done. Let's just get on with this already. Although being done with the internship means finding a job.... so maybe I might be changing my mind in a few weeks.
Here's the sad part. I've always been a people pleaser to my very core. I hate when people are upset, and I can sense tension or frustration before the other person even knows that's what they're feeling. However, for some reason lately I guess I've just stopped trying. It's sad to say that, but for a while I have just felt like I can't make anybody totally happy, so why even try making anyone happy. People just want or expect too much sometimes, and I need a break from caring so much about it. I have a friend who I don't talk to enough, I have another friend who I don't call enough, plenty of people I don't spend enough time with, and I'm certainly not perfect for Bev all the time (although I would like to think I haven't stopped trying in that relationship at least). Well, you know what, nobody ever gives me exactly what I want either, but you don't see me complaining or guilting or whatever. I love everyone in my life, and I know they expect from me what they would expect from any other friend, but I have turned sour for a couple months here and I"m just tired of trying to fix all my imperfections. I just feel like saying "Suck it up" and being extra selfish for a few months. Except the problem with that is if I stop trying, most likely everyone else will, and then I will be lonely and isolated like I have been. It's just all too much!
Looking forward to spring. With the sunshine comes a better attitude from me and all kinds of new (scary) and exciting things. God is good, and when I feel like everything is just too much for me, He says "Guess what? I AM ENOUGH" . And that's good enough for now.
Everyone keeps asking me how wedding planning is going. I love Bev with all my heart, and I don't think I am a terrible bride-to-be, but honestly people, I just don't care that much. All we really want is a fun party, and for our closest friends and family to be there. That's really honestly it. Yes, there are some things I have an opinion about, but for the most part, I would be perfectly happy if someone planned all the details for me and just let me know how it's going. Although if planning every detail guaranteed good weather and no stress during that weekend, then I guess I might be more anal about all these wedding plans.
And another thing... A 600-hour internship is a bit excessive. I have one month to go. Don't get me wrong, it's actually turned out to be a pretty good experience; I've learned a lot, built a few good relationships, and even had some fun. But I honestly don't see myself doing anything more in the next 4 weeks that I haven't already done. Let's just get on with this already. Although being done with the internship means finding a job.... so maybe I might be changing my mind in a few weeks.
Here's the sad part. I've always been a people pleaser to my very core. I hate when people are upset, and I can sense tension or frustration before the other person even knows that's what they're feeling. However, for some reason lately I guess I've just stopped trying. It's sad to say that, but for a while I have just felt like I can't make anybody totally happy, so why even try making anyone happy. People just want or expect too much sometimes, and I need a break from caring so much about it. I have a friend who I don't talk to enough, I have another friend who I don't call enough, plenty of people I don't spend enough time with, and I'm certainly not perfect for Bev all the time (although I would like to think I haven't stopped trying in that relationship at least). Well, you know what, nobody ever gives me exactly what I want either, but you don't see me complaining or guilting or whatever. I love everyone in my life, and I know they expect from me what they would expect from any other friend, but I have turned sour for a couple months here and I"m just tired of trying to fix all my imperfections. I just feel like saying "Suck it up" and being extra selfish for a few months. Except the problem with that is if I stop trying, most likely everyone else will, and then I will be lonely and isolated like I have been. It's just all too much!
Looking forward to spring. With the sunshine comes a better attitude from me and all kinds of new (scary) and exciting things. God is good, and when I feel like everything is just too much for me, He says "Guess what? I AM ENOUGH" . And that's good enough for now.
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