Man, what a difference a week makes! When I wrote that last post I was feeling pretty disconnected and isolated, and I am SO glad to say that I am not in that place anymore. I've been able to connect more with my friends (even beginning to talk about wedding details- eeee!), connected better with my Bev, his parents' visit was awesome, and life is just exciting and connected once again. Spring is in the air!! It's the time of year when the wedding feels within reach. Friendships are fun and exciting once again. And although I'm winding down with my internship, which should be scaring me, I'm actually pretty confident and looking forward to moving on with whatever the next step is.
I am so grateful for people. I have some good ones in my life, that's for sure. I just love the ways that God continues to remind me that 100% of life is relational. And at least 80% of life is up to me- meaning, if I am feeling lonely or disconnected, I need to pick up the phone and call someone. I know I am terrible at this, but I also am learning to take responsibility for relationships in my life. Feeling very blessed, and grateful for some good friends and Bevs who love me despite my funky times.
Headed into class now- although it's interesting stuff, and I love school, I am certainly not looking forward to spending much of May and June's beautiful nights in class, writing research papers, or reading a textbook. Ahhhh..... but the end of things is near:)
Happy warm weather!
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
just too much
Lately I've been feeling like everything is just a bit too much.
Everyone keeps asking me how wedding planning is going. I love Bev with all my heart, and I don't think I am a terrible bride-to-be, but honestly people, I just don't care that much. All we really want is a fun party, and for our closest friends and family to be there. That's really honestly it. Yes, there are some things I have an opinion about, but for the most part, I would be perfectly happy if someone planned all the details for me and just let me know how it's going. Although if planning every detail guaranteed good weather and no stress during that weekend, then I guess I might be more anal about all these wedding plans.
And another thing... A 600-hour internship is a bit excessive. I have one month to go. Don't get me wrong, it's actually turned out to be a pretty good experience; I've learned a lot, built a few good relationships, and even had some fun. But I honestly don't see myself doing anything more in the next 4 weeks that I haven't already done. Let's just get on with this already. Although being done with the internship means finding a job.... so maybe I might be changing my mind in a few weeks.
Here's the sad part. I've always been a people pleaser to my very core. I hate when people are upset, and I can sense tension or frustration before the other person even knows that's what they're feeling. However, for some reason lately I guess I've just stopped trying. It's sad to say that, but for a while I have just felt like I can't make anybody totally happy, so why even try making anyone happy. People just want or expect too much sometimes, and I need a break from caring so much about it. I have a friend who I don't talk to enough, I have another friend who I don't call enough, plenty of people I don't spend enough time with, and I'm certainly not perfect for Bev all the time (although I would like to think I haven't stopped trying in that relationship at least). Well, you know what, nobody ever gives me exactly what I want either, but you don't see me complaining or guilting or whatever. I love everyone in my life, and I know they expect from me what they would expect from any other friend, but I have turned sour for a couple months here and I"m just tired of trying to fix all my imperfections. I just feel like saying "Suck it up" and being extra selfish for a few months. Except the problem with that is if I stop trying, most likely everyone else will, and then I will be lonely and isolated like I have been. It's just all too much!
Looking forward to spring. With the sunshine comes a better attitude from me and all kinds of new (scary) and exciting things. God is good, and when I feel like everything is just too much for me, He says "Guess what? I AM ENOUGH" . And that's good enough for now.
Everyone keeps asking me how wedding planning is going. I love Bev with all my heart, and I don't think I am a terrible bride-to-be, but honestly people, I just don't care that much. All we really want is a fun party, and for our closest friends and family to be there. That's really honestly it. Yes, there are some things I have an opinion about, but for the most part, I would be perfectly happy if someone planned all the details for me and just let me know how it's going. Although if planning every detail guaranteed good weather and no stress during that weekend, then I guess I might be more anal about all these wedding plans.
And another thing... A 600-hour internship is a bit excessive. I have one month to go. Don't get me wrong, it's actually turned out to be a pretty good experience; I've learned a lot, built a few good relationships, and even had some fun. But I honestly don't see myself doing anything more in the next 4 weeks that I haven't already done. Let's just get on with this already. Although being done with the internship means finding a job.... so maybe I might be changing my mind in a few weeks.
Here's the sad part. I've always been a people pleaser to my very core. I hate when people are upset, and I can sense tension or frustration before the other person even knows that's what they're feeling. However, for some reason lately I guess I've just stopped trying. It's sad to say that, but for a while I have just felt like I can't make anybody totally happy, so why even try making anyone happy. People just want or expect too much sometimes, and I need a break from caring so much about it. I have a friend who I don't talk to enough, I have another friend who I don't call enough, plenty of people I don't spend enough time with, and I'm certainly not perfect for Bev all the time (although I would like to think I haven't stopped trying in that relationship at least). Well, you know what, nobody ever gives me exactly what I want either, but you don't see me complaining or guilting or whatever. I love everyone in my life, and I know they expect from me what they would expect from any other friend, but I have turned sour for a couple months here and I"m just tired of trying to fix all my imperfections. I just feel like saying "Suck it up" and being extra selfish for a few months. Except the problem with that is if I stop trying, most likely everyone else will, and then I will be lonely and isolated like I have been. It's just all too much!
Looking forward to spring. With the sunshine comes a better attitude from me and all kinds of new (scary) and exciting things. God is good, and when I feel like everything is just too much for me, He says "Guess what? I AM ENOUGH" . And that's good enough for now.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
cannot WAIT
Okay, so I am not one to really show much emotion on a regular basis, whether good or bad, but I'm sorry- I am SO stinking excited to get married in September!!! I just feel like it can't get here fast enough! Some days it feels like life is flying by and it will be here before I know it, and then other days life couldn't possibly move any slower. I just am so so ready to be married to my best friend, and live with him, and see him every day, and move on with our life together. The more time I spend with him since we've been engaged- working on the house, planning the wedding, planning our future- I just am so grateful that God brought him to me and that much more antsy about getting that day here fast!!! I know that it's a good thing we're not getting married until September, and there are still a lot of big, great life changes and events that will happen before then, and really, there's no need to hurry, but if just feels good to be this excited, this confident, this sure of something so good, so right. I love Bev more than I would have ever thought was possible a year ago, and I just know that I will love him even more as time goes on. I've been praying for a good man for 28 years, and God went so above and beyond that once again, I am blown away. I know this kind of post is not typical for me, but it's how I feel. I am EXCITED! and I'm not afraid to share it. Sweet balls!!! 6 months and counting....:)
Sunday, January 23, 2011
The Thoughts of an Intern
I am officially 2 weeks in to my 600-hour internship, and let me tell you, at the pace I'm going, I'll be doing this internship for a full year. Okay, I'm exaggerating, because I WILL get done in June, no matter how many days my supervisor sends me home because there is no work to do. Needless to say, it's been interesting. The first week I was so extremely under-whelmed that it was depressing and miserable. Then last weekend I prayed for a better attitude, and I have since enjoyed it. Let me tell you a little bit about my days now...
1. I am an intern. Basically that means that I follow my supervisor around and hope that he has things for me to do.
2. I don't know anyone, so I feel awkward most of the time, especially because, again, there's not a lot for me to do.
3. My supervisor is super cool though, and has promised that he will let me get done in June, no matter if I don't actually get all 600 hours done or not. He's very laid-back, and probably appreciates that I am simply ready to be done with this thing.
4. It's just weird. I'm used to having a lot of responsibility and feeling pretty significant. I was spoiled at MOKA, with a very independent job, which I was good at. It almost feels like I'm taking a step back, which is not necessarily a bad thing, because there are new jobs to learn, but it just feels weird.
5. I have a LOT more free time than I originally thought. And very little to no stress at all during the day, due to my lack of responsibility. I can basically go in whenever I feel like it, and leave or take a day off if I ever need to. As long as I can still end in June, I'm definitely okay with that.
So those are my thoughts. With my "new attitude", I am able to appreciate this internship for what it is (6 months with very little stress and a chance to focus on other things in life), rather than dwelling on what it's not (a lot of boredom, awkwardness, and no pay). I do believe that God's timing is perfect, and He wanted me to experience this internship during this period of my life which has potential to be very stressful. I can focus some of my non-stressed energy onto wedding planning, fixing up Bev's house, and generally getting my life in order. As if that can happen. It's taken me 2 full weeks, but I have realized that this experience is a true blessing in disguise. And I will be grateful for it, darn it, because Lord knows I don't handle a lot of change and stress very well at the same time. Maybe now I can finally just relax and enjoy my engagement without constantly thinking about something else. Yup, I think that's what I'm gonna do. Sit back, relax, and celebrate.
1. I am an intern. Basically that means that I follow my supervisor around and hope that he has things for me to do.
2. I don't know anyone, so I feel awkward most of the time, especially because, again, there's not a lot for me to do.
3. My supervisor is super cool though, and has promised that he will let me get done in June, no matter if I don't actually get all 600 hours done or not. He's very laid-back, and probably appreciates that I am simply ready to be done with this thing.
4. It's just weird. I'm used to having a lot of responsibility and feeling pretty significant. I was spoiled at MOKA, with a very independent job, which I was good at. It almost feels like I'm taking a step back, which is not necessarily a bad thing, because there are new jobs to learn, but it just feels weird.
5. I have a LOT more free time than I originally thought. And very little to no stress at all during the day, due to my lack of responsibility. I can basically go in whenever I feel like it, and leave or take a day off if I ever need to. As long as I can still end in June, I'm definitely okay with that.
So those are my thoughts. With my "new attitude", I am able to appreciate this internship for what it is (6 months with very little stress and a chance to focus on other things in life), rather than dwelling on what it's not (a lot of boredom, awkwardness, and no pay). I do believe that God's timing is perfect, and He wanted me to experience this internship during this period of my life which has potential to be very stressful. I can focus some of my non-stressed energy onto wedding planning, fixing up Bev's house, and generally getting my life in order. As if that can happen. It's taken me 2 full weeks, but I have realized that this experience is a true blessing in disguise. And I will be grateful for it, darn it, because Lord knows I don't handle a lot of change and stress very well at the same time. Maybe now I can finally just relax and enjoy my engagement without constantly thinking about something else. Yup, I think that's what I'm gonna do. Sit back, relax, and celebrate.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Change
Well, I haven't posted in a while; life has been very busy and exciting, and I am barely keeping up. The biggest news is that I got ENGAGED on Christmas Eve!! I was so surprised, and so excited, that Christmas weekend was a blur, and then I basically went straight to Las Vegas with my girlfriends and haven't stopped moving much since. While I could not be more sure of the fact that I am supposed to be with Bev for the rest of my life, I would lie if I told you I wasn't a bit nervous. Not really nervous about marrying Bev- actually, that's the one thing that I'm not really scared of- but nervous simply because of all the changes that are happening in my life this year. Historically, I have not been a big fan of change, and although all these changes are considered "good" changes, they are still a bit scary nonetheless.
For example, tomorrow I start my internship- the final step in my Master's Degree process. It has not been a smooth process (turns out I still have to take a class through the first part of July), and the fact that I don't exactly have an end-date, or any clue at all as to what I will be doing, makes me a little nervous. I love the feeling of being comfortable and confident in what I am doing, and I'm certain I won't feel that for at least a couple months. Not to mention not having an income for several months... AND... who knows what will happen after I am done with my internship... what kind of job will I get? And will I like it?
I am also going to buy a car sometime this year. While some people may not think this is a big deal, I've never done it before, and have a lot to learn about the process. Also, financially, Bev and I need to figure out priorities- car, student loans, houses, etc. Just a lot of planning.
In terms of my family, 2011 will be a big year for the Andersons. My brother is getting married... next weekend!! And on top of that, they are expecting a child sometime in July/August!!! While this is very, very exciting news (never thought Kurt would call to tell me I was going to be an aunt), it still is a big change and a lot to adjust to, with very little notice.
Since we will be living in Bev's current house (temporarily), there is a lot of work that needs to be done. We have already painted the bathroom and kitchen, but there are several more rooms to paint and carpet to be torn out and replaced, let alone packing up, moving out, moving in, etc. etc. It will be a busy year, like I said. In addition, Megs and I need to figure out what to do about the Ganderson. Megs has been amazing for me, and I am so grateful, and I know that everything will work out, but it is another thing to add to the to-do list.
Now on to the wedding. Like I said, I'm not scared of being married to Bev. He is my soulmate, and I have a peace from God that he is indeed the man I am supposed to marry. But a wedding takes a lot of planning, none of which I have done ahead of time (not being the type of girl that has had her wedding planned out since age 12). The hardest thing, for me at least, is picking a DATE!! Ahh. There is no date this summer that will work for everyone, and although Bev and everyone else keeps telling me that it is OUR day, I am still having a hard time committing to a date that I know people will have conflicts with. Once we pick a wedding date, we will be able to go from there- asking my bridesmaids (can't wait!), planning everything, sending invites and all the rest. Step 1= pick a date. Step 2= celebrate!!
My final thought about change is what being married will do to my current amazing friendships. I have been so blessed with the most incredible friends, and for the last several years, my friends (particularly my single friends) have been my rocks, my socialization, the best things in my life. I am optimistic that my true friendships will stay that way after I am married, but let's be honest, things do change, no matter how much I try to pretend that they don't. It makes me sad, but I'm also excited, and nervous, and at peace, and all these crazy emotions, and to tell the truth, emotions always make me exhausted. So tonight I am exhausted, sitting at home with Megs and our kitties and our respective illnesses (goopy-eye and Whooping cough), and I am thinking about life. Bev and I have until next weekend (after Kurt's wedding) to finalize a wedding date... and then life will get even crazier from there.
Balls! Good night.
For example, tomorrow I start my internship- the final step in my Master's Degree process. It has not been a smooth process (turns out I still have to take a class through the first part of July), and the fact that I don't exactly have an end-date, or any clue at all as to what I will be doing, makes me a little nervous. I love the feeling of being comfortable and confident in what I am doing, and I'm certain I won't feel that for at least a couple months. Not to mention not having an income for several months... AND... who knows what will happen after I am done with my internship... what kind of job will I get? And will I like it?
I am also going to buy a car sometime this year. While some people may not think this is a big deal, I've never done it before, and have a lot to learn about the process. Also, financially, Bev and I need to figure out priorities- car, student loans, houses, etc. Just a lot of planning.
In terms of my family, 2011 will be a big year for the Andersons. My brother is getting married... next weekend!! And on top of that, they are expecting a child sometime in July/August!!! While this is very, very exciting news (never thought Kurt would call to tell me I was going to be an aunt), it still is a big change and a lot to adjust to, with very little notice.
Since we will be living in Bev's current house (temporarily), there is a lot of work that needs to be done. We have already painted the bathroom and kitchen, but there are several more rooms to paint and carpet to be torn out and replaced, let alone packing up, moving out, moving in, etc. etc. It will be a busy year, like I said. In addition, Megs and I need to figure out what to do about the Ganderson. Megs has been amazing for me, and I am so grateful, and I know that everything will work out, but it is another thing to add to the to-do list.
Now on to the wedding. Like I said, I'm not scared of being married to Bev. He is my soulmate, and I have a peace from God that he is indeed the man I am supposed to marry. But a wedding takes a lot of planning, none of which I have done ahead of time (not being the type of girl that has had her wedding planned out since age 12). The hardest thing, for me at least, is picking a DATE!! Ahh. There is no date this summer that will work for everyone, and although Bev and everyone else keeps telling me that it is OUR day, I am still having a hard time committing to a date that I know people will have conflicts with. Once we pick a wedding date, we will be able to go from there- asking my bridesmaids (can't wait!), planning everything, sending invites and all the rest. Step 1= pick a date. Step 2= celebrate!!
My final thought about change is what being married will do to my current amazing friendships. I have been so blessed with the most incredible friends, and for the last several years, my friends (particularly my single friends) have been my rocks, my socialization, the best things in my life. I am optimistic that my true friendships will stay that way after I am married, but let's be honest, things do change, no matter how much I try to pretend that they don't. It makes me sad, but I'm also excited, and nervous, and at peace, and all these crazy emotions, and to tell the truth, emotions always make me exhausted. So tonight I am exhausted, sitting at home with Megs and our kitties and our respective illnesses (goopy-eye and Whooping cough), and I am thinking about life. Bev and I have until next weekend (after Kurt's wedding) to finalize a wedding date... and then life will get even crazier from there.
Balls! Good night.
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