This morning at church we sang about grace. I cried until I was puffy, which didn't stop much as the day went on. Basically, I have not really liked myself very much lately. I haven't liked the way I look, the way I feel, some decisions I have made, and just the person that I have been. My heart is not in line with Jesus right now, and that hit me pretty hard this morning. I am so grateful that God shows me grace- no matter how far I fall away from Him, He loves me anyway. I am committed to getting my heart back in shape- it's a crappy feeling not liking yourself. I want to be a role model for girls I coach, I'm going to be a therapist- I guess it's only fair that I go through some junk myself so that I know what it takes to struggle and get through it.
Then I went to Bev's. I made a mistake and was hoping he would be able to show me grace. I certainly didn't deserve it, but I guess that's just the thing with grace. Being the poor communicator that I am, it was difficult to talk through my feelings and share with him what was heavy on my heart. When I was done, Bev proved to me what an incredible man he is. I've never dated someone who is so completely accepting of me, all my strengths as well as all my faults. I've never felt this safe, accepted, special, and loved before, at least not from a man. When he offered to pray with me, I lost it again.
It's interesting to me that about the time I start dating a man who is completely crazy about me, I begin to lose my own sense of self-esteem and security. That seems a bit backwards, and I'm tired of it. I'm sick of myself, and I don't want to feel that way. I'm committed to putting God first in my life, because let's be honest- I can't be a good girlfriend, a good friend, or a good person in general without first loving God.
I know this is probably a bummer of a post, but I told myself I would write what's in my head. My heart has been very heavy lately. Tonight it feels light again. In fact, being home with the kitties and a Golden Girls marathon makes me feel pretty dang good. Kinda wish my roommate was home.... but I'll survive. I'm pretty much never home when she is, so it's only fair. Good night all!
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." (2Cor12:9)
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